Old habits die hard...

I find I have this bad habit. I tend to write a lot when things are bad. When I should be taking time to sort my thoughts and emotions, I find an easy way to verbally vomit all over a page or screen and let the thoughts and opinions fall where they may. Not the best therapy but certainly cheaper. What I do that's even worse in my opinion? When things are good, I do not write at all.

Well, today, things are good.

And... I am writing about it.

It's not easy to find a source when you're frustrated, at your wits end, desperate, wanting. It's not easy to find fulfillment in something greater than you when you cannot see past your own issues and challenges. And when things are good, it is all too easily forgotten to look up to your higher power and say a simple "Thank you."

Here I am today, and things are good. Sure each day has it's own challenges and moments of "ARRRGGGHH!!" but I am in a good place emotionally. It's been a long tough road, but in the grand scheme of things, it's been a cake walk. It is tough to explain unless you've been there. Sure there are the people who have it worse than I do. But my challenges this year have been hard in my viewpoint. It's what I WENT through, what I OVERCAME, and those things are HUGE to me. It's shown me that I can truly overcome whatever life throws at me and still have my sanity.

I still find myself worrying about the future, if I'll be able to sustain my life where I am. Move up and not down. But I try not to let these little worries bog me down. I'm in a good place, and hopefully soon I'll be in a better one.

Whoever is looking out for me and mine up there, thank you. I'm grateful for your guidance. I don't know of anything better to call you, other than you are my source.

What's your source?

A little fever and some quiet time

I have my laptop set on a TV tray table, and can curl up on the couch, with a sick toddler in my lap who wants and needs to be held, pull the table close to me and blog. The sight of my infant son fast asleep on my husband's chest on the small sofa next to me and my husband is being slowly lulled into a baby induced slumber is priceless. I needed a quiet moment where I could type my thoughts, undisturbed, and this is about as good as it's gonna get. We weathered the storm of being stripped of funds by overdue back child support, but after this next paycheck, it will be paid off and done. Then we can focus on saving up for our own place. There is a sense of peace in my soul about this realization. Of course there are a couple other items that need to be financially attended to, but we can handle that on our own.

This is what is on my mind today. The premise of my own place to call home, being the only one to answer to if dishes don't get done, if laundry doesn't get washed, folded or put away or if the house does not get cleaned or tended to. I can sort my refrigerator the way that pleases me and expect it to stay that way. But, I would not have this day, nor these hopes, if it were not for the kindness of others. Having any roof over my kids heads is better than living on the street. And for that I have been truly blessed.

Living with others has it's challenges, but the benefits far outweigh them in the long run. Sometimes it's healthy to vent our petty frustrations and shout out to the universe a loud and resounding "ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" but then come back to reality and breathe through our issues to create peace, harmony and compromise. Every family lives their own way, and when you place two different families together that is where the differences can cause disharmony without patience, understanding and simple communication.

One foot in front of the other, no matter how slow the pace, how gritted your teeth are from holding your tongue to keep harmony on the forefront before your own petty issues is much better than rallying against the petty differences causing you to go flying into a pit of anger, self-righteousness and judgmental bickering. 

I set it aside then for a peaceful today, a harmonious tomorrow and a hopeful bright future.

It's the best I can do.

The days are long...

Long and monotonous. While I am pretty sure I can be productive and motivate myself to do what needs to be done, I find that I am lacking. I am tired, drained, hurting physically, hurting emotionally. Not a localized or specific kind of emotional hurting, just a generalized ache. I think it's because of the long standing hurts that just need time to heal.

What I have found that gets me through the day by day are the smiles and laughter of my two little ones. The small victories of successful potty time, a thorough feeding, bubbles at bath time.

But there are days when those small things just don't feel like enough to sustain me, just enough to get by.

Still finding my balance, my foundation.

It's a source work in progress.

The simple things...

Listening to the baby coo and gurgle and smile at me when I am not looking, only to notice him and see him smile bigger. The toddler, sleeping on the couch with his thumb in his mouth, snuggled next to his papa. The calm and gentle breeze, the lovely balmy, not too hot, not too cold day. Despite the mangle of toys on the floor and the hunger that's creeping up on me quickly, I am thankful for these little things.

What is your source today?

Sometimes the source is there when you need it, and from where you least expect.

Yesterday I thought the roof had caved in. When all the money we were saving the last four weeks since my husband started his new job was taken by Child Support, clearing our back account entirely, I thought I was just done. They also garnished his wages ON TOP of that. He's never been a dead beat dad. He's paid off one back debt, then it was re-evaluated to be more than the original, as he was making more money (back 8 years ago) so we were again paying off a back debt on top of current debt. It's always put us behind the 8 ball financially, but we never complained. When it came to making his truck payments or his child support payments, which were equal in amount, he gave up the truck. It was always a priority to him to pay his child support. He's always worked with the governing agency, even when he was getting child support taken out in 2 STATES for the same kid. The current support was done in 2009 when she turned 18 and graduated HS. He lost his job in June of  09 and we were on gov't assistance until he got work last month. We've crossed our T's, dotted our I's, and still, they took everything. It felt like such a slap in the face after struggling for so long. And then to speak to him on the phone like he was a dead beat when he called to find out why they took it all and left us NOTHING to live on.

Needless to say it was a low blow and was something that caused both my husband and I great distress, this just a week away from his 50th birthday and our 8th handfasting anniversary. We were planning on a combined celebratory evening at a nice dinner with our two boys. Now, we have to find "free" and budgeted ways to celebrate with the few dollars we had left in our wallets. It plain sucks.

When I felt like the other shoe was about to drop, when I just couldn't take one more hit, I decided, in my sheer hopeless frustration, to call Martha.

Martha is our counselor. She's been the best damn counselor we've ever had, either individually or collectively.

Anyhow, I called Martha, in tears, and left a message, which she returned less than 15 minutes later to say she would call me back in an hour. By that time my husband was home and not only did I get to speak to Martha but so did he. And by the time we were done on the phone, we both, although still highly perturbed, had a renewed perspective.

He still had a job and would get paid in 2 weeks again. And then in another 2 weeks and so on.

We still had our health, and each other, and our two boys.

Once they are paid the last 900 some dollars, it's done. Never to be revisited again!!

Bottom line, when I felt I had nothing more, no one to gain any perspective or understanding from, no one else who could help me feel I was stronger than I was, I had Martha. And for that I am truly truly grateful!

Bottom line, it's all really small stuff when you stand back and take a good long look.

So, alas, the roof did not fall in, just a couple shingles flew off, but they are easily and quickly replaced.

After I talked to Martha, I then talked to my cousin, who offered to help, and then my mom who also offered to help, and friends, who offered words of encouragement, and I realized, this too shall pass, and we are richer than any amount of money we earn.

My source grows stronger every day that I realize I have more than just what is inside me to keep me going. I have more than what I've learned from the bitter jerks of the world. It takes time, it takes patience and a tenacity which I have developed over the years of being kicked in the head. But I take responsibility over the choices I've made that have brought me here. If I didn't, I would never have learned what I know now.

What is your source?

It begins with the source...

This blog started out as a conversation between me and my mom, like any good idea. We were talking about beliefs, about feeling a bit detached from the universe, feeling stuck in a chasm not knowing the next step. Feeling lost. This conversation between mom and I circled my varied and many choices of religions over the years, and not ever finding one that "fit". We talked about a natural human desire to fellowship with others of like mind and spirit, and about my disappointment in not finding any one group that I felt completely at ease with and comfortable in. We talked about being let down by people we once trusted. In all it summed up to this question:

What is your source?

...the source of your faith?

...the source of your strength?

...the source of your spirit?

...the source of your inner guide?

...the source of your higher power?

To whom or to what do you answer to?

This is the premise of this blog. The source. My Source. Your Source. Our Source. What is it that gives us the will to survive, to continue, to exist, to live?

It may be different for each of us. It may be the same for many. It varies from person to person, from faith to faith. It could be your religious beliefs, or your spirituality. I believe that the two are different, which is why I ask separately.

I've been looking, searching in earnest for my source. Till it dawned on me. My source comes from within. It's very personal to me. It can be very vague, but it exists none the less. My children are also my source. My reason for living and getting up every morning. My family is also my source. I am a spiritual person, but do not consider myself religious by any means. Though I know a few religious AND spiritual people, they are few and far between. My beliefs do not follow any one set of faiths, but incorporate the best of many. We wanted a place for those of us searching for the same answers to gather, to share, and to grow. We simply wanted to meet others with sources of their own with whom we could share and connect with.

It doesn't matter what your religious choices are, who your god is or pantheon of gods are. We welcome all of you, with love and respect to your beliefs.

The only charge and demand we make is that as your beliefs will be respected and not belittled nor scrutinized, that you respect others beliefs here as well. Hate will NOT be tolerated.

With that, we open our minds and hearts to you.

Welcome to The Source Gathering.

So...


What is your source?